How Not To Fly (about)

Tennessee Men Arrested In Napoleon Treaty Theft

Two men, one a former history professor, have been arrested for the theft of the Treaty of Fontainebleau, which Napoleon signed in renouncing his claim to the French Empire, the FBI said Thursday.

Talk about losing your sales receipt. Try getting your money back for the Louisiana Purchase now.

New Jersey Man Tried For 58 Cent Theft

If he receives the maximum prison sentence, local officials said the tab for his confinement would be about $270,000.

The really sad part is that all this guy wanted was to save up for a lottery ticket.

One of the authors of The Rules, the best-selling book of advice for women seeking a husband, reportedly is getting a divorce. Ellen Fein filed for divorce after 16 years of marriage, citing abandonment...

For the authors of The Rules, this is a perfect opportunity to uphold the standards and practices they champion in their book. I think they should have to fight for the remaining husband.

Police arrested a 19-year-old monk Monday morning after a nun was found stabbed to death on the campus of a tight-knit private Catholic school.

Someone really ought to do something about the Bible. What kind of message does all that violence send to kids?

NJ Bills Sexually Abused Children For Father's Psychiatrist

This year, the state moved Nelden McMickle to a psychiatric facility -- and said the children he abused would have to pay part of the $90,000 annual bill.

They're going to have to modify the old Governor Kean slogan for the state: New Jersey And You Perfect Together, Especially If You Don't Want Your Molestation Victims To Have Any Money. How about: The Bill For Institutionalizing Your Child-Molester And You, Perfect Together. Maybe: New Jersey And The Expense To Institutionalize Sex Predators, Not Perfect Together.

A preliminary hearing has been delayed for a transsexual woman accused of killing her husband by castrating him. Tammy Felbaum, 42, had been scheduled to go before a district justice in Butler Friday morning. She is charged in the death of 40-year-old James John Felbaum, her sixth husband, in late February.

I don't know if this needs to be stated explicitly, but you should know that the penises are a lot easier to avoid if you don't keep marrying them.

Second-Graders Face Charges For Paper Gun

Authorities said that 8-year-old Hamadi Alston stood up at his desk at Augusta Street School last Thursday, pointed paper folded to look like a gun at his classmates and said, "I'm going to kill you all."

Picture the prison tragedies taking place if they convict him. "He pulled out a paper knife in the cafeteria! There was frosting everywhere, man!" Nobody wins when children receive 15 years origami with no parole.

Prosecutor: Man Threw Ticket Agent To The Ground

Davis and his family group of about 10 people had been waiting at Newark International Airport for three hours for their flight to Disney World at Orlando, Florida.... The entire Davis group had cursed at Sottile when he did not let them board because they did not have enough boarding passes...

If you're going to break a guy's neck because you were stuck in line too long, Disney World may not be the best vacation for you after all.

San Francisco May Ban 'Sexy' Ads For HIV Drugs

San Francisco, one of the U.S. cities hardest hit by the AIDS epidemic, is awash in advertising for anti-AIDS medications, with posters for such drugs as Merck & Co's Crixivan and Bristol-Myers Squibb's Zerit showing young, athletic men climbing mountains or declaring "I'm Positive" with seductive smiles.

Thank God someone is doing something about these obnoxious ads. Nobody should be that happy. The ads they're talking about would nauseate Barney.

Ex-Nurse Could Get Death Sentence For Killing Four Patients

[Prosecutors] said she wanted to attract attention, especially from her lover, a hospital security guard.

Yeah, but if she had gotten away with it, just imagine the "Cosmo" headline: Insulin, Epinephrine, Adrenaline, and Other Lethal Pharmaceuticals to Help You Catch the Man of Your Dreams!

Ex-Employee Held In Theft At Burger King

Officers with a description of Navarro stopped him later that day as he drove by the same Burger King. Police said they found a gym bag full of money in his car and methamphetamine in his wallet.

If I ever pull a fast food heist, I'll have to remember to steal enough to buy Happy Meals and methamphetamines for a shit-load of Chinese guys, you know, so I can return to the scene of my plunder without looking suspicious.

Bush N. Korea Gaffe Exposes Rifts

Asked to explain his rejection of South Korean president Kim Dae Jung's recommendation that Washington urgently pursue President Clinton's efforts to negotiate an end to North Korea's missile program, Bush told reporters, "We're not certain as to whether or not they're keeping all terms of all agreements...."

For the record, the U.S. has only one agreement with North Korea... [and,] as U.S. officials hurried to emphasize immediately after Bush's statement, Washington has no evidence that North Korea is not complying with [it.] Given the epic paranoia and unpredictability of the regime in Pyongyang, the last thing you want to do is accuse them of cheating -- unless you're consciously setting out to take it to the next level.

While there is no confusing the two men, this incident paints for me the clearest distinction between President Clinton and President Bush. President Clinton is a man vulnerable to the kind of appetites and weaknesses that lead him to such scandals as the Monica Lewinsky affair and the Marc Rich pardon. He was the same idiot in the White House then as he is now, but as president he was able to serve the people who could cover him. President Bush, on the other hand, is merely a very stupid man.

Man Admits Posting Abortion Threat Online

...also pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography, which was found on his computer during the investigation.

Not that I can't live with the curiosity, but how much child pornography do you need before you start offering the $1.5 million bounty on any abortion doctor? Maybe this is just me, but I don't think this is a supply problem.

Forced Labor Alleged In Deaths Of 41

...Li told them in a loud voice, "It's not so bad, it's like a kind of [population control.]"

Dude, I'm sure the Chinese Communist Party is just a non-stop laugh-riot, but you might want to consider the possibility that not all jokes are funny outside the Member Lounge.

U.S. Supreme Court Allows KKK To Adopt A Highway

For such an exclusive club, these guys want to be loved maybe a little bit too much.