How Not To Fly (about)

LAPD Officer Peels Off Clothes For Playboy

I think her expectation and her hope is that, not only will she not lose her job, but that her appearance in Playboy may be an impetus to other young women to consider the LAPD as a career.

Yes, girls, after a day of pouring pepper spray in the eyes of infectious junkies, one of eighty-year-old Hugh Hefner's Viagra™ doses can be saved just for you! Who says you can't have it all?

Man Tries Bringing End To 'Eternal Flame'

[Paris, France] A man who tried to extinguish the "eternal flame" burning under the Arc de Triomphe by sitting on it has been treated in hospital for burns to his bottom.

He was booked for failing to keep his "eternal ass" off the "eternal flame."

Holdup Note In Clothes Sent To Dry Cleaners

Terrance Levar Starkey has admitted to robbing three banks in two cities after an employee at Champion Cleaners in Chattanooga found a holdup note in laundry the suspect dropped off.

The robber should have taken a closer look at the shirt's care instructions: Do not dry clean or rob banks. Liquor store and gas station hold-ups only.

Drug Gives Hope To Pet Owners

When Dr. James N. MacLeod presents his paper Friday on a new drug for a complication of chronic kidney disease to the American College of Veterinary Internal Medicine in Denver, the Cornell University researcher is likely to be deluged with feline volunteers for a clinical trial of a promising new treatment.

The owners, ironically, return from their pets' treatments sterile, and much calmer. (The pet operation, you see, being the lure for the... oh, never mind.)

Reward Offered For 'Monkey Man' Capture

[New Delhi] Two terrified residents of the city's suburbs, including a pregnant woman, fell to their death earlier this week on hearing cries in the neighbourhood warning that the [Monkey Man] was nearby.

Laugh if you must, but at least no monkey men have been elected President of India.

Man Still Selling Urine Online Despite Arrest

This is a good example why a shy bladder isn't always a bad thing.

Canine Pregnancy Test Could Retrieve Profits For Biotech

The fire hydrant, of course, turns either pink or blue.

'Atomic Diet' Pioneers Reunite

Forty-Seven years ago at Fitzsimons Army Hospital in Denver, a group of young conscientious objectors offered to serve their country by eating hamburgers and other foods that had been exposed to radiation.... Irradiation is a process in which food passes through a chamber where it is exposed to gamma rays or X-rays.

While the volunteers suffered no ill-effects from the experiments, the food itself tended to become very angry and turn green.

Reputed Son Of North Korean Leader Had A Plan: Visit Disneyland

The man, who reportedly claimed to be [Kim Jong Il]'s first-born, was deported to China on Friday after being accused of entering Japan with a fake passport -- on an apparent mission to visit Tokyo Disneyland.

You're the dictator of North Korea's Communist military regime and your son not only gets caught sneaking into Japan, but he gets caught sneaking into Japan to go to an American-franchise amusement park. Sounds like it's time to start thinking about having that Starbucks moved out of the Imperial Palace.

Police Disperse Upset Crowd After Run-DMC Is A No-Show

...Run-DMC refused to perform because of a financial dispute with the show's promoter.

What? Why didn't anyone tell me Run-DMC is touring again? I just hope they include their classic hits, "Sounds of Silence," "I Am A Rock," and "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme."

The tenured University of Minnesota religion professor facing child pornography criminal charges for pictures found on his work computer will resign this summer. Richard Pervo voluntarily suspended himself with pay following his February arrest.

I'm sorry, but if your name is Professor Pervo, you should just know to stay out of trouble. Anyone who's seen "Speed Racer" is going to look for any excuse to hide with his chimp in the trunk of your car, just to bust your ass.

Vegetarian Sues McDonalds Over Meaty Fries

Bharti, an Indian native who avoids meat in adherence to his Hindu religion, said he filed the suit on behalf of the million or so Hindus in the United States and 15 million vegetarians who may have unknowingly eaten meat products. "McDonald's didn't have any right to deceive people this way," Bharti said.

I'm shocked. Next thing you know, we'll find out McDonald's employees have been handling food with their unclean left hands all along.

Pigeons Lose Battle Of Trafalgar Square

London's authority forced out the last of the square's pigeon-feed sellers earlier this year and have been giving the birds diminishing rations in hopes of getting them to move on. Despite being an avowed animal lover and noted newt fancier, Mayor Ken Livingstone wanted to rid the square of what he dubbed the "rats with wings" because of the mess they caused.

Animal rights activists gathered in Trafalgar Square on Monday to protest against the mayor's decision, saying the semi-domesticated birds would starve.

"Ilsa, I remember Trafalgar Square like it was yesterday: the pigeons defecated grey; you wore blue.

"Rick, just hold me one more time!

"We'll always have birdshit.

S.F. To Finance Staff Sex-Changes

Does this mean someone is going to do something about the arms of that one transvestite I always see riding the Bart train? Brr!