How Not To Fly (about)

Boy, 3, Busted for Wetting Tree

[New York City] Three-year-old Harry Branch-Shaw really, really had to pee. So he did what most kids his age would do -- he found a tree and let go. Then a city parks officer did what most cops wouldn't: He gave the tyke a $50 summons.

Everyone in New York, however, should know that the only appropriate public urination takes place in the subway stations.

Leaving Children In Cars OK To Many / 20% Of Young Parents Surveyed Approve

At least 120 children -- most of them 3 and younger -- have died of heatstroke in parked cars during the past five years, according to research sponsored by the National SAFE KIDS Campaign and General Motors....

It found that 10 percent of all parents said it is acceptable for young children to be left in a car unattended. Among young parents ages 18 to 24, that figure is double.

I guess when there's no corn to heat up, some people will just try to pop anything.

Gunman Angry About Last Name Sentenced To Four Life Terms For Shooting In Virginia Gay Bar

A drifter [Ronald E. Gay] who told police he was angered by jokes about his last name... was sentenced Monday to four life terms for a shooting rampage in a gay bar that killed one and left six others wounded.

Also angered by jokes about his name, Roger M. Homo was caught with explosives at a canal in Egypt, and was arrested for attempted Suez-cide.

St. Louis Lawmaker Apparently Urinates In Waste Basket During A Filibuster

During a meeting Tuesday, Alderman Irene Smith and three other members were trying to hold up debate over a redistricting plan they said would hurt blacks. Acting Aldermanic President James Shrewsbury ruled Smith must yield if she left for a restroom break.

So about 40 minutes later, her aides surrounded her with a sheet, tablecloth and quilt while she appeared to use a trash can to relieve herself.

So much for Mrs Smith going to Washington to advance her political career. Not unless she can sell the voters on lost causes being the only causes worth creating a biohazard in the workplace for.

Bodily Fluid Suspect Avoids Authorities

Police say that a man has been throwing some type of bodily fluid on the back of womens' skirts. Police from about a dozen departments in Ohio and Northern Kentucky have been getting similar reports, and now investigators from those departments are comparing cases...

Since the ongoing reports fail to describe the bodily fluids thrown as blood, urine, or saliva, I think it's safe to assume this guy is enacting some kind of external fertilization ritual -- like a fish. It looks like he'll continue to elude capture until law enforcement can master swimming upstream.

Severed Thumb Connects Suspect To 1999 Murder

Two years ago, Douglas Hannam left his thumb at the scene of a brutal homicide. Police arrested the rest of him Tuesday in a trash-strewn New York City apartment.... During [the murder in question], Bowen [the victim] bit Hannam's thumb...

Hannam's arrest absolves the previous prime suspect, Fugitive Dr Richard Kimble. Kimble insisted all along that the true killer was a nine-fingered man, since the murderer's thumb was retrieved at the crime scene. "I have all ten fingers, see? What does a guy have to do to avoid a murder rap around here?"

Condit's Delay Assailed By Crime Experts / Failure To Admit Affair May Have Hurt Search

For two months, Washington Metropolitan Police tried to clarify [missing intern Chandra] Levy's reported liaisons with [Rep. Gary] Condit, who had denied he was romantically involved with her. Friday night, in his third meeting with investigators, Condit admitted that the two were having an affair...

But some [Modesto, CA] constituents said they would judge Condit solely on his political performance. "It's like Clinton -- what does it matter if he does a good job?" said Larry Gordon...

Aztec deity Quetzlcoatl concurred that Levy's sacrifice did not warrant any backlash or retaliation against Condit's delay in aiding the investigation. "Hey, it's not like she was even a virgin."

China Out-Kills The World, Says Amnesty

Amnesty [International] said its figures of at least 1,781 executions and 2,960 death sentences since... April were tallied from publicly available reports. In contrast, Amnesty counted 1,751 executions in the rest of the world over the past three years.

Talk about appetites that return after half an hour!

Identity Theft Lesson: Know Victim's Gender

[St Paul, MN] He traveled to Stillwater Ford in Oak Park Heights to buy a car with the stolen identity last May -- dressed as a woman, according to a criminal complaint.... The falsified purchase was discovered last month, when employees at Stillwater Ford learned the loan couldn't be processed because of an error on the warranty application....

Investigators learned that the name on the loan papers belonged to a man in the northern suburbs, whose first name is Mrinal. "Looking at the name you might be confused and think it was a female," said Investigator Brian DeRosier with the Oak Park Heights police. A tip led DeRosier to [Shy Lamar] Fullman.

As for the victim, due to the theft publicity, his chances of performing in this year's "All-Scarlet O'Hara Review" are now considered less than fabulous.

McDonald's Bars Egyptian Singer

McDonald's international headquarters says a performer who gained fame singing "I hate Israel" will no longer also be singing the praises of a new Mideast-flavored snack on the fast food giant's menus in Egypt.... "Basically it was a local marketing decision made by McDonalds Egypt on a promotion for McFalafel."

They said it would ruin their McKosher rating.