How Not To Fly (about)

Man Finds Human Penis In Bottle Of Fruit Punch [Commerce City, CO]

While sipping his drink, Juan Sanchez-Marchez knew something was wrong when his drink bottle turned into a fluorescent vacuum tube.

In Hijacker's Bags, A Call To Planning, Prayer And Death

• Everybody hates death, fears death. But only those, the believers who know the life after death and the reward after death, would be the ones who will be seeking death.
• The time of fun and waste has gone. The time of judgment has arrived. Hence we need to utilize those few hours to ask God for forgiveness.
• Check all of your items -- your bag, your clothes, knives, your will, your IDs, your passport, all your papers. Check your safety before you leave.... Make sure that nobody is following you.

Following up on his Chicken Soup for the Terrorist's Soul, Osama bin Laden will continue publishing his suicide bomber self-help affirmations with next year's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, And Terrorists Will Kill Them All From The Sky.

New Ad Asks Consumers To Spend

[Honolulu] The campaign stems from the downturn in spending resulting from the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on New York and Washington.

Advertisements asking people for money? Can they pervert such a pure medium like that? Will the villagers tolerate that which they do not understand? I predict much storming of castle walls.

Ovarian Tissue Implanted in Arms

[Chicago] Sections of ovaries taken from two patients were implanted in their arms and continued to function there, raising hopes women can avoid the loss of fertility that often accompanies treatments for cancer and other diseases.

In both cases, the tissue produced clearly visible welt-sized bumps -- mini ovaries, really -- on the forearm, just below the elbow. But more important, the tissue appears to be functioning normally and has produced mature eggs and regulates the menstrual cycle. That offers hope that the women, both in their 30s, could become pregnant.

And, of course, pregnancies resulting from forearm-implanted ovaries would be considered more convenient than conventional pregnancies, as the fetuses are in an ideal position on the arm to grab cans from those hard-to-reach kitchen shelves.

Grandmothers Bare All for New Curtains

[Canberra, Australia] A group of elderly Tasmanian women have bared all in a nude calendar to raise money for curtains for their local community center.

If you're a nude calender granny, what do you need curtains for?

Give A Pint, Get A Pint

[New Orleans] To participate, donors must go to The Blood Center's 4141 Veterans Blvd. location and donate a pint of blood. In return, they'll receive a free pint of Blue Bell ice cream.

If you're like me, you're looking forward to the kooky, zany ice cream flavors Ben & Jerry will introduce to contribute to the national blood drive, like "Platelets & Cream," "Chunky Hemoglobin," and "Apocalypse 'n' Walnuts, Now!"

Report Of Ammonia Smell Leads Deputies To Find Drug Lab

Greenville County [SC] deputies arrested one person after finding what they suspect is an unfinished methamphetamine lab in a Greenville County neighborhood Saturday. Authorities got a call Saturday night about a strong smell of ammonia off of Fork Shoals Road in the Pickens Court mobile home community. Officers said that those who called in mentioned seeing several suspicious people and then mentioned the ammonia smell.

Look on the bright side. When you can get your friends to all come over, line up, and pee for you, you know you have really, really good coffee.

Falwell Apologizes To Gays, Feminists, Lesbians

The Rev. Jerry Falwell said late Thursday he did not mean to blame feminists, gays or lesbians for bringing on the terrorist attacks in New York and Washington this week, in remarks on a television program earlier in the day.

On the broadcast of the Christian television program "The 700 Club," Falwell made the following statement: "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say you helped this happen...."

Falwell said he believes the ACLU and other organizations "which have attempted to secularize America, have removed our nation from its relationship with Christ on which it was founded."

What Rev Falwell was sorry for, of course, was forgetting to blame Tuesday's plane hijackings on that son of a bitch James Madison for Amendment One of the US Bill of Rights he championed. Its separation of Church and State prevents the kind of persecution that the country's founders originally suffered from and drove them to colonize the Americas in the first place. How could Christ not punish the United States when He obviously hates consistency so much?

Diablo Dinero / Magical-Item Sellers Create Virtual Economy

Characters can make headway in [online video game] Diablo II only by acquiring special items that give players special powers. A simple search on EBay for Diablo II items reveals a dizzying array of auctions with bids ranging from 25 cents to hundreds, even thousands, of dollars. Players trade items through secure "trading windows" within the game itself, essentially transferring bits of valuable code from one place on the Blizzard server to another....

"I work 50 hours a week, so I don't have a lot of time to play the game," [said one Seattle mortgage banker.] "But when I do play, I want to be the best. It's all about the items in this game."

Wearing your Helmet of Invisibility every time you go out to hide your thinning hair. Buying your secretary that +3 Necklace of Protection for her birthday without telling your wife. Driving the Baba Yaga Hut that can accelerate from zero to twenty-four inches in one round, only to wind up at the gym. It may be a sign you have problems with responsibility when even your fantasy life has a mid-life crisis.

N.J. Makes Its Car-Seat Law Stricter

[Trenton] Beginning Dec. 1, the use of car or booster seats will be required in New Jersey for all passengers who are younger than 8 and weigh less than 80 pounds, making it the most stringent such requirement in the country.

The new law demonstrates New Jersey's commitment to supplying the nation with Columbine-style school shootings for the decades to come, making sure every first, second, and third grader knows who their punier classmates are from how their parents deliver them to school.

Prisoner Can Sue To Become Father By Mail [San Francisco]

Post office officials are protesting his request, however, because if they bring him a baby, then they have to bring everyone a baby, and they just don't want to start carrying sacks of babies around.

Bare Chest Surprises TV Viewers

A still image of a bare-chested woman that appeared for hours on [Albuquerque Channel 27] on Wednesday was due to a technical glitch, the outlet's director said.

Technical glitches, of course, are considered normal and healthy despite threats of blindness, eternal damnation, and any trauma from getting caught by your mother.

Legislator Gets 120 Days For DWI

[Hartford, CT] State Rep. Kevin Ryan [D] pleaded guilty Wednesday to a third drunken-driving charge and will spend the next 120 days representing his constituents from prison... Ryan, who has supported efforts to tighten drunken-driving laws, had a blood-alcohol level of 0.199 percent after his arrest in July, almost double the legal limit.

A criminal conviction may look unprofessional for a legislator come re-election. However, having tested the law first-hand, no challenger will be able to match his political record for workplace quality-control.

Religious Group Sued For 'Curious George' Pictures

[New York City] The publisher [Houghton Mifflin Co] said it has demanded that [Christian subgroup] Jews for Jesus stop using Curious George [in their pamphlets] but the group has refused. The suit alleges the group is willfully infringing with the intent to deceive the public and it's activities are likely to confuse individuals, leading them to believe that Houghton has sponsored, authorized or is connected with the defendant's services.

Most outraged, however, were the official Curious George licensees, Jews for Curious George, whose Bible depicts Curious George leading the Jews out of Egypt, parting the Red Sea, and sharing a lifeboat with St. Peter, an Irishman, and an Italian.