Yes, and he would have gotten away with his crime spree, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids and their talking dog, insisting there was no such thing as "Black People."Bank Robber's Bizarre Disguise Can't Fool Police
New Kensington [PA] police said that Daniel C. Mazziotti, who is white, dressed as an obese black man...
Confessions Upheld By Judge In Rape Case
A judge yesterday refused to throw out a Stow [OH] man's admission that he impregnated his stepdaughter with a syringe filled with his semen.... A trial date will be set within two weeks for the couple, who in the 1990s crusaded throughout the state seeking changes in the Ohio rape law after their daughter's rapist was acquitted because of a loophole. They are now charged with violating the very statute they lobbied legislators to create.
![[Martha Stewart]](../images/ms.jpg) |
"A syringe full of semen? Violating the same rape law they championed themselves? Against the victim the law was written to protect? Someone definitely needed to wait for the 'Living' artificial insemination issue." |
His large inventory of hair care products is just one reason you never hear reports of James Brown getting robbed.Woman Fends Off Three Burglars With Hair Spray
[West Chazy, NY] She sprayed the aerosol into the intruders faces and they fled.... All four were charged with second-degree burglary.
You know you have control issues when you place a newspaper ad for a Stanford sperm donor just so you can name your kid "Niles." You could maybe save yourself $15,000, your marriage, and the need to raise a 6-foot-tall child, if only you weren't too good to raise a "Lou."$15,000 Is Offered For Quality Sperm
[Palo Alto, CA] ...a Burlingame, Calif., woman is offering $15,000 for what she sees as premium specimens: Sperm from a Stanford University student....Ben Martinez, a 20-year-old art major at Stanford, saw the classified ad and planned to call -- until he saw the requirement that the potential donor be over 6 feet tall. Martinez is 5 feet 7 1/2 inches.
...the woman who placed the ad doesn't want to go [the] clinical route. She wants to talk with the potential father of her child -- Hannah if it's a girl, Niles if it's a boy...
Pope Offers Apology For Sex Abuse
[Rome, Italy] The pontiff tucked his one-paragraph "mea culpa" into a 120-page message to Catholics... said by the Vatican to be the first personally sent by a pope over the Internet...
![[John Paul II at laptop]](../images/jpii.jpg) |
"So, Sal, if someone asks me to meet him without telling my parents, that's a bad thing, right? |
|
"Now he just sent me his naked picture..." |
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Dear Mr. Longandbeefy, u r sooo excommunicated! <+ |>:( |
[ Updated 03 Dec | bottom | top ]
http://www.sfgate.com/ cgi-bin/ article.cgi? file=/c/a/2001/11/23/ MN172663.DTL
http://www.sfgate.com/ cgi-bin/ article.cgi? file=/c/a/2001/11/23/ MN172663.DTL
Talk about reindeers kept out of the reindeer games!Pharmacist: Guilty of Drug Charge [Doylestown, PA]
[ Posted 26 Nov | bottom | top ]
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ wp-dyn/articles/ A58261-2001Nov20.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ wp-dyn/articles/ A58261-2001Nov20.html
Who would have thought the Afghani people would have Larry Flynt to thank for their next economic opportunity? With the overthrow of the Taliban, he was able to spot the availability of a whole nation of Barely Legals.Larry Flynt Sues Defense Department
Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt has sued the Defense Department for the right to send reporters to the front lines in Afghanistan.
[ Posted 26 Nov | bottom | top ]
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ wp-dyn/articles/ A54751-2001Nov19.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ wp-dyn/articles/ A54751-2001Nov19.html
You'd be surprised how often a life of crime starts with the songbird black market. The easy dollar earned by walking around an international airport carrying 44 Cuban finches in your pants is just too seductive for many to resist.Man Accused Of Trying To Smuggle 44 Birds In Pants
Carlos M. Rodriguez Avila was charged with unlawful importation and possession of the birds, valued at more than $350, prosecutors said.... Suspicious airport inspectors asked Avila to raise his pant legs and saw something strapped to his legs when he arrived in Miami Oct. 31.
[ Posted 19 Nov | bottom | top ]
http://www.sfgate.com/ cgi-bin/article.cgi? file=/n/a/ 2001/11/15/ birds.DTL
http://www.sfgate.com/ cgi-bin/article.cgi? file=/n/a/ 2001/11/15/ birds.DTL
This is why there were only two Dark Lords of the Sith in the "Star Wars" movies. The rest got busted knocking over convenience stores when they tried to get fancy with the Jedi mind trick.Clerk's Description Of Robber Aided -- By Suspect Himself
[Des Moines, IA] "He's about 5 feet 10," Harpal Singh told police over the phone night.Then the suspect, who had suddenly returned to the store, spoke up to correct him. "I'm 6-2," the man said.
"About 6-2," Singh corrected himself to police, "and about 38 years old."
"I'm 34," the man said, correcting Singh again. Then the man asked for his wallet back, which the robber had dropped when he had tried earlier to steal a bag of cigarette cartons and had taken off running.
[ Updated 26 Nov | bottom | top ]
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/ article.cgi? file=/n/a/ 2001/11/15/ robberreturns.DTL
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/ article.cgi? file=/n/a/ 2001/11/15/ robberreturns.DTL
Later at dinner, Attorney E. Robert Wallach also said, if it didn't trouble Mrs. Fang too much, to please pass Ted the bok choy so he wouldn't have to reach for it over the table.Ted Fang Threatens Suit Against Mother
[San Francisco] Fang has given the Examiner and his mother, its current publisher, until Friday to answer his concerns or face legal action, according to his attorney, E. Robert Wallach.
[ Updated 12 Aug | bottom | top ]
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/ article.cgi? file=/c/a/2001/11/14/ BU215646.DTL
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/ article.cgi? file=/c/a/2001/11/14/ BU215646.DTL
A lifestyle enjoying unending sexual gratification, inebriation, and fawning adoration, all under the auspice of contributing to society... wait, are they talking about the Palomino Club or the Kennedy Estate?Uproar Drives Surgeon To Sell Strip Clubs
Stertzer, a respected pioneer of balloon angioplasty, a procedure to repair or replace damaged blood vessels, raised eyebrows at Stanford and elsewhere recently with his decision to buy the clubs and use the proceeds to fund his own and other research at the university....The Palomino Club is reportedly the last establishment in the Las Vegas area that is allowed, under a grandfather clause, to offer both totally nude entertainment and serve alcohol.
For some reason, no one is buying His story how traumatizing it was to always get squeezed onto the middle backseat hump whenever God drove the Kids out to the Chuck E Cheese.™Doctor Evaluates 'Fourth Son Of God' In Preparation For Sexual Assault Trial
A 61-year-old Helena [MT] man who allegedly told victims he was "the fourth son of God" went to Missoula Monday for a doctor's evaluation to prepare for his trial in District Court in Great Falls on multiple sexual assault charges.
[ Posted 19 Nov | bottom | top ]
http://www.greatfallstribune.com/ news/stories/ 20011113/ localnews/ 1181193.html
http://www.greatfallstribune.com/ news/stories/ 20011113/ localnews/ 1181193.html
Nothing, of course, sends a stronger message of disapproval to the terrorists who blew up the World Trade Center towers than hijacking a public display of phalluses because you find them offensive. And leaving behind a symbol for the freedom of expression after silencing a victims of domestic violence exhibit? Yeah, that makes sense too.Phallus Art Puts Father In A Fury
[Boulder, CO] Only a week before, talk radio hosts thrashed the library for refusing to make a patriotic display of an American flag. Then they learned the penises had quietly been shown since October.The two symbols, the flag and the phallus, were inseparable to [Bob] Rowan. One supported fighting men overseas; the other, he said, was a strident, sensational "male-bashing" work, and the library selected the latter....
In full view of a few silent onlookers, Rowan plucked the 21 penises from the line, put them in a trash bag, and left a small American flag and a calling card: "El Dildo Bandito was here."
You know your days in politics are numbered when you can't even stay out of trouble sleeping with your own wife.Swazi King Violates His Own Sex Ban
Swaziland's king paid the traditional fine of one cow Sunday for violating his own ban prohibiting girls under age 18 from having sexual relations. About 300 young women marched to a royal residence outside of the capital, Mbabane, and laid down their symbolic chastity belts -- a multicolored tasseled scarf -- in protest of King Mswati III's choice of a 17-year-old as his ninth wife.
[ Posted 12 Nov | bottom | top ]
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ wp-dyn/articles/ A12256-2001Nov11.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ wp-dyn/articles/ A12256-2001Nov11.html
Scandalized also were Giordano's wife, Dawn, who continues to show up to all of his court appearances, and the intern he's been cheating on her with, Heather, who wishes the media invasion of their private lives would just go away.Mayor Again Denied Bail / Giordano Remains Flight Risk, Judge Says
[Bridgeport, CT] Giordano, 38, a three-term mayor and last year's Republican nominee for U.S. Senate, has been jailed without bail since FBI agents arrested him July 26 after uncovering evidence of sexual abuse from wiretaps obtained during a corruption investigation. The mayor is accused of molesting two girls under age 12.
The String of Penises is also billed as the world's slowest train, claiming to take all night long for destinations other trains only need six minutes to reach.Boulder Library's 'String Of Penises' Artwork Miffs Some
A sign outside the gallery alerts visitors that they may find the display offensive. It says: "This exhibit contains mature material that may be objectionable to some."
[ Posted 11 Nov | bottom | top ]
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/ drmn/local/article/ 0,1299,DRMN_15_871665,00.html
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/ drmn/local/article/ 0,1299,DRMN_15_871665,00.html
A full-lit restaurant full of horny guys and no booze? The name will have to be changed from "Hooters" to "I Can't Look At My Watch Without Flexing."Hooters' Alcohol Permit Denied
[Arlington, TX] County Judge Tom Vandergriff has declined to grant a beer permit to a restaurant known for its provocatively dressed female servers.
Birth Control Considered For Koalas
[The Australian Koala Foundation executive director] said the alternative to putting koalas on the pill was to convince Australia's government to control land clearing in prime koala habitat...
![[koala]](../images/koala.jpg) |
"I would have thought koalas were slow enough for koandoms to be slipped on between koartship and koapulation." |
On the bright side, the restaurant's motto, "Food, Folks, and Fear," is now up for grabs.China Closes Bin Laden Restaurant
Authorities in China's Muslim northwest have closed a restaurant named for terrorism suspect Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden's Beef Noodles closed just days after opening this week in the city of Lanzhou, a local official said Saturday.
[ Posted 04 Nov | bottom | top ]
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ wp-dyn/articles/ A35262-2001Nov3.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ wp-dyn/articles/ A35262-2001Nov3.html
This episode of MTV's Disaster Area Dance & Grind has been sponsored by Budweiser: Because Spring Break Doesn't Wait For The Bodies To Be Buried.™Love Blossoms Amid The Ashes Of The City's Most Surprising New Singles Spot
[New York City] Ground Zero Food workers wear hairnets and latex gloves, but there are stories of women in tank tops and short skirts showing up to volunteer, or donning bikinis to cheer on workers making their way up the West Side Highway. One female volunteer wearing a tank top was escorted from the scene because she refused to cover up.