How Not To Fly (about)

Dolphins Hunt For Mines In Gulf Waters / Trained Animals Helping Navy Clear Vital Port Of Umm Qasr [Iraq]

Because the waters of Umm Qasr are murky and the sea floor muddy, dolphins -- which possess sonar so keen they can discern a quarter from a dime when blindfolded and spot a 3-inch metal sphere from 370 feet away -- are invaluable minesweepers....

The Navy insists that, in training situations at least, the dolphins have a stellar record. "We think they have 100 percent accuracy..."

Commandant Ousted At Academy Has Distinguished Record

[Brig. Gen.] Gilbert became a focus of attention after he told an alleged victim that her conduct contributed to her problem....

Denise Arroyo, 21, of New Jersey said she received little support from base officials under Gilbert's command after being raped in her dorm room in March 2001 after a night of heavy drinking.

Eric Meyer: Yes, Mike, pornographic stars are known to often allow themselves to have their photographs taken with fans. Why, you can approach, say, Marilyn Chambers and ask her -- oh wait, you can't, she died...
Mike Leung: What? '70s porn star Marilyn Chambers died? No, she didn't die!
Eric Meyer: Didn't she? I thought she--
Mike Leung: No, you're thinking of Linda Lovelace!

Antiwar Clergy Told To Keep Voices Raised

"This is a crisis of theology. You need to speak it that way," the Rev. Robert Robinson advised the 30 Protestant ministers gathered Tuesday at the Lutheran Theological Seminary in Germantown [PA.]

"In the face of war, let us not relinquish our responsibilities as Christian leaders," [Rev. Collins] said, "because there is one on Pennsylvania Avenue more than willing to do it for us...." in Christian theology, he argued, the great apocalyptic battle is reserved for Christ, not presidents.

Presidential address to the nation

• Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised.
• The United States and other nations did nothing to deserve or invite this threat. But we will do everything to defeat it.
• All the decades of deceit and cruelty have now reached an end.

China Pans Stones' Playlist

When the Rolling Stones make their first-ever visit to China later this month, they won't be able to play some of their biggest hits. Four signature tunes of the venerable rock band, now on its "40 Licks" tour of Asia, have been banned in Beijing and shackled in Shanghai: "Brown Sugar," "Honky Tonk Woman," "Beast of Burden," and "Let's Spend the Night Together."

It's not the first time "Let's Spend the Night Together" has been censored. When the Stones played the Ed Sullivan show in 1967, Mick Jagger satisfied American censors by singing "Let's spend some time together."

Ney Leads Charge To Ban 'French' Foods From House Cafeteria

An Ohio congressman is upset that France won't stand by the United States and endorse an invasion of Iraq so he's banishing all so-called "French" foods from House cafeterias.

Representative Bob Ney (R-18, New Philadelphia) is chairman of the House Administration Committee and has jurisdiction over what is printed on restaurant menus at the three U.S. House buildings. He says any member of Congress who wants to eat fried potatoes and battered toast will have to order "Freedom Fries" or "Freedom Toast."

Army Of Human Shields Flees Baghdad

...the Iraqi official overseeing the shields, Abdelrazak Hashimi, unveiled a list of 60 strategic Iraqi sites and told the volunteers to move to the sites the next day... The protesters balked... Some said they wanted to move into hospitals and help treat civilian casualties of a war they believe is imminent. Others insisted the Iraqi plan, by dispersing them too thinly, would render their anti-war effort ineffective and unnecessarily jeopardize their safety.

Chief Gets Full Salary Tax-Free / 8 Others Suspended Without Pay Until Cases Resolved

San Francisco Police Chief Earl Sanders will receive his entire $209,000 salary tax-free while he is on medical leave [for high blood pressure], but for the other indicted officers -- suspended without pay -- the deal is none too sweet....

The six other officers accused along with Sanders of conspiring to obstruct justice, as well as two of the officers indicted on assault charges in an off-duty brawl [over the victims' fajitas] on Union Street last year, have all been suspended without pay pending the outcome of their criminal case... This not only means that they aren't earning their salaries, but also that they cannot cash out any accrued overtime taken as compensation time.

In the case of suspended Assistant Chief Alex Fagan Sr., that's $185,754 that he cannot get to until his case is resolved or he resigns from the department. Suspended Deputy Chief Greg Suhr has $74,854 in accrued comp time, and Capt. Greg Corrales has $38,177, according to a report from the San Francisco controller's office.

Man Arrested For 'Peace' T-Shirt

[Guilderland, NY] A lawyer was arrested late Monday and charged with trespassing at a public mall... after refusing to take off a T-shirt advocating peace that he had just purchased [there.] "I was in the food court with my son when I was confronted by two security guards and ordered to either take off the T-shirt or leave the mall," said Downs....

Downs is the director of the Albany Office of the state Commission on Judicial Conduct, which investigates complaints of misconduct against judges and can admonish, censure or remove judges found to have engaged in misconduct.

HHS Chief Janet Rehnquist Will Resign

Janet Rehnquist, the daughter of Chief Justice William Rehnquist, will resign as inspector general of the Health and Human Services Department after a controversial tenure....

...the AP has obtained internal HHS documents that show a draft audit could have been completed before Gov. Bush's re-election if the work had started on time.... Bush's aide called Rehnquist on April 15 to request the delay.... A spokesman for the inspector general... argued that the audit would not have been completed by Election Day even if it had begun on time, though some documents suggest otherwise.

Who Armed Iraq?

According to the December [Iraqi weapons] declaration... U.S. and Western companies played a key role in building Hussein's war machine.... the U.S.-led Security Council censored the entire dossier... The long list -- including names of large U.S. corporations -- Dupont, Hewlett-Packard, and Honeywell -- was leaked to a German daily, Die Tageszeitung....

The inspection process is spawning a host of questions about U.S. policy. Why aren't U.S. and European scientists, who invented and produced lethal materials for Saddam Hussein, subject to interrogations like their counterparts in Iraq? Are U.S. companies sending their deadly material to other dictators? Why are there no congressional hearings on the U.S. role in arms proliferation? And how many senators (like the voice of Connecticut's arms industry, Sen. Joe Lieberman) are taking contributions from the world's arms dealers?